In search of imperfection...

Its been nearly three years since I published my last post and I just wrote a cracker and lost it because the app crashed! 🤦‍♀️ Three years and I have already forgotten the most important law in blogging / thesis writing / anything.... with an app press ‘save the draft’ all the time! (Btw I didn’t write my thesis in an app!) 

I found myself thinking "screw it!" and soooo nearly choosing not to do what I had planned to. Then I realised that’s part of the point isn’t it? It’s in these moments we get to chose who we want to be. 

*’save as draft’ pressed*

Do we want to be the person who gives up when life wipes your mildly vulnerable and likely highly self indulgent blog post? 😂 Nope... 😂 Now I’m laughing to myself in a near empty breakfast room. I’ve been here since 8:30am... 2.5hrs of chilling by food and a beautiful fountain, reading and drinking the most delicious range of coffee and juices (reading a magazine not the juices... I am not a juice reader)... I will, however, have to find a bathroom soon. 

I laugh because the title of my post was ‘in search of imperfection’ and my whole post was completed and then destroyed and now has to be rewritten. #loveirony

*’save as draft’ pressed*

Will I be able to recreate the descriptions of the place, the climate, the little bird in the fountain... probably not. You will just have to come to Bali... it’s well worth it I promise... and who knows maybe you’ll like this post more than it’s predecessor. It will likely be shorter... 😂

*hits ‘save as draft’, drinks some coffee...mmm*

So when is it enough? When are we fit enough/ strong enough/ loved enough? When do we have a job/life/family/holiday/weather/medical treatment/garden/tv/breakfast/coffee/sex life/sleep/journey or blog post that is good enough to just say "yes, I can relax and enjoy this now!", "Publish!" 

Do we need others to be impressed? Does it have to be above the average because let’s face it... averaging the whole world’s experience, it will be! Maybe the average of those around us? Do we need to compare with others at all or even other temporal versions of ourselves? If now isn’t as good as the past, is it not still good? 

When is it enough? When are we enough?

I sit alone at breakfast and I have some mild background anxiety about this. I used to have a lot of anxiety about this. What would people think?  I do not mind sitting alone, I love thinking and pondering... it is literally one of my favourite things *queue a nun singing in my head... raindrops on...*. Yet social anxiety around being alone occurs when I’m in front of others, even in front of others that are also themselves alone.

Maybe nobody will realise that I now mostly feel at peace sitting here. Definitely more at peace that for a good long time. Now absorbed by the fluttering and chirping of a beautiful long pointy beaked bird bathing itself in the sparkling water of a burbling fountain surround by lush green plants. 

*’saves as daft’*

*notices typo but likes it 😂*

I didn’t capture the pointy beaked bird in the photo, it moved. 

I have not blogged because of my blogging backlog. I have not fully appreciated the present because of my life goal backlog... but really this is enough. I do in this moment, with the fountain and coffee and memory of the little bird, feel happy. I’m hoping that by ignoring the backlog and just feeling it/publishing I might learn this lesson. 

*’Save as draft’*

*Publish!*