"It's just a couple of hats Peta, it's not the end of the world."
... and you would be right.
The difficultly in this life comes from the fact that all our experiences are connected and our emotions woven through our experiences such that when we have one emotion is can trigger other memories and emotions and visa versa.
I am someone that likes to be in control. One might say I am a control freak but I have no need to control anyone else, just myself. When I lose something unintentionally it means I was not in control. I could not take care of myself and it makes me feel vulnerable.
"Why? It's just a hat?"
Because, my friends, in this case a lack of control of my environment triggers memories in me of other experiences where I have felt that I was inadequately equipped to protect myself and those things I held of value.
The main memory that is triggered is that of my interaction with my mother when I was seven. It's gonna get a pretty real right here now, if you can't take it... Best head right on to those movies reviews honey! ;)
My mother passed away from cancer when I was eight. Her cancer was not caught very early and it had unfortunately spread and eventually went to her brain. No one knew before it become symptomatic and the first symptom was soley witnessed by her 7 year old daughter... me! The brain tumour gave her a form of epilepsy that turns a person into a statue without warning... They become rigid and unresponsive.
One might imagine that this would be incredibly frightening to a small kid and that one would be quite correct. I learnt a lot about myself in that moment. My first response was diagnosis of her symptoms, through the panic and the fear. Then an attempt at treatment, I offered her water and then tried to open and close her eyes and move her limbs, all while feeling myself exploding on the inside with terror and grief. My actions and my emotions were not terribly connected. I quickly concluded I was not up to the task of reviving her so I went for assistance. I got the neighbours and the rest of the story of my locking myself out, begging with them to break the door down and the following crazy nightmare just adds emphasis to a moment that shaped who I would be for the rest of my life: I am someone who needs to feel ready and prepared for anything!
I am the one who will know where the fire exits are. I am the one who sees everything that could cause cuts, injuries. I will notice that defibrillator in the corner of the airport and I will notice when anyone around me is tired, drunk or presenting with anything out of he ordinary that may make some sort of follow on medical emergency more likely.
If you tell me you have an illness, I will know a lot about it by the end of the day and you will be on my mind. I used to be what is called hyper-vigilant. It's not a fun thing but it means I ended up responsible for a lot of safety at work because I was the one who cared on a very real and pragmatic level... I wasn't just covering butts ;)
So when I lose something, it leaves me with a feeling that I am not completely in control and this makes me uncomfortable because I am not ready. However, this is an opportunity to practice being okay with my own human limitations. We make mistakes, especially when tired, stressed and rushing around.
The temptation is to beat myself up, to try to figure out how I can never do this again. To try to become more alert, more vigilant but there has to be some mental relief valve. It has to be ok to make mistakes sometimes! If it wasn't then we would stop pushing ourselves, we would then never find our boundaries and never work out what we are really capable of.
So here I am on a plane and confronted with an opportunity to explore an experience that is connect to a number of deep other strong experiences which could push me down a route that I believe is not aligned with my best interests so instead this is what I do; I am typing this as I do it (in stages)
First I let myself really feel the feelings and look at them. This is what I currently have to some degree or other (none of this is huge... I do know it is only a couple of hats but still feelings are feelings to through a tautology into the mix ;)
1. Fear at not being in control,
2. Sadness at losing something i liked
3. Worry about finding a replacement and the potential consequences of not; not having a hat in the intense sun of Costa Rica.
4. Irritation at not being 100% perfect at taking care of my stuff and possibly not being perfect at other areas which my safety requirement me to be.
5. Lonely. I am the only one available to look out for me on this trip. Anything like this is a reminder of that.
Now I sit and feel and explore the feelings, where are the feelings in my body?
1. My shoulder tenses as soon as I realised. They haven't realised yet.
2. My breathing got faster.
3. Cortisol and adrenaline became active in my system and I could feel my heart going faster and my body wanting to act.
4. My face became tense and frowny
5. I became more irritable and unable to concentrate on other things.
Ok so now I am half way through the exercise "mental pull ups" and I will now breath into the body sensations and try to see if the breath can work to release it.
-aiplane toilet break-
Ok I'm back and I meditate for a short time on the feelings and through doing so I am starting to feel better and the feelings are starting to ease off. Not only that but the attention to the body reveals additional information. I am really very tired. I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired. I realise this is why I was grumpy, why I disliked the car so much more at the end when it was harder to drive because I was exhausted. Why I found walking at Alice's extreme pace difficult but it also difficult to communicate that I was struggling. This is what this process brings you, clarity and information. Information means you can then make decisions. I am tired. I will take rest in Washington as my first priority :)
Now I'm a scientist so you should expect this:
Here is the science bit...
Science bit 1:
When we react to someone with fear, anxiety, panic, worry, angry or defensiveness it is out fight/flight response working. Fight or flight clearly isn't really an appropriate response for losing a hat but it is the bodies way of dealing with any negative situations initially to a lesser or greater degree.
When our fight or flight is activated, energy/activity/focus (whatever you want to call it) is drawn away from the part of the brain that deals with logic and rationialisation. This is what it means when someone says things like "I was so angry I couldn't think clearly" or "I was so upset I couldn't see what else was going on." It is a very real physiological effort.
The good news is that it is one that you can learn to control which is why I now refer to these these event as opportunities as well as pains-in-the-butt.
Science bit 2:
When we aren't 'present' and we get tired we also lose the ability to really judge our own tiredness as a natural matter of course. We will notice if we start nodding off as that is extreme but the gradual decline is masked off because the effort we would have used to notice is now rerouted, into the tasks we are engaged in, so as to compensate for the fact that we are tired.
So the steps to practice this are:
1. Let yourself fully feel; what ever you resist persists.
2. Locate the emotions in the body; normally in a form of contraction.
3. Breath into the sensations and hopefully you feel the tensions ease.
4. Notice other aspects of your physiology demanding attention. Be present. Are you thirsty, hungry, tired etc.
5. Tend to yourself. Take rest if you need rest' :)
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